I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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