Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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