I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize