singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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