i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
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When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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