I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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