I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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