I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
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Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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