where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
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found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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