If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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