please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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