I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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