you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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