If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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