My liver just broke up with me...
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
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You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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