Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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