I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
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There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
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Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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