I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
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I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
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He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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