This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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