I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
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when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
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Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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