I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
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This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
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Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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