Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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