The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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