So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
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I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
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I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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