just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
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How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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