checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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