I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize