last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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