I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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