i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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