Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
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I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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