i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
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I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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