My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
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I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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