i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
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I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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