I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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