Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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