There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
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Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
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Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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