I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
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