You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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