i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
do nipples grow back?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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