Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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