you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
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The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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