Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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