my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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