How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
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Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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