I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
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Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know her cup size but not her name....
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