Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need to align my fucking chakras
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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