i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize