theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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