batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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